Famous Kaiju Battles of Filmland

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If you’ve spent any time with me, you know I LOVE movies. If we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, you’d run into me at midnight screenings of trashy B-movies or digging through the Psychtronic Room at Scarecrow Video, looking for my next celluloid fix. I’m often worried that I’ll be buried alive in my Blu-Ray collection when the next big earthquake hits.

I wish that were a joke.

Kaiju movies were one of the first film genres I really got into. It all started with Raymond Burr, bad dubbing, and a whale-gorilla-monster. (You know the one.) From there, I learned about and saw almost every major kaiju series—from a giant turtle that’s friend to all the children to everyone’s favorite Beta Capsule-using member of the Science Patrol. But the thing about any fandom is that once you’ve seen everything that’s quality, you start looking for the weird stuff.

That brings us to The X from Outer Space – or 宇宙大怪獣ギララ (Giant Space Monster Guilala, if you want to get really specific).

The X from Outer Space was produced by a company called Shochiku—they’ve been around since the start of the movie industry in Japan but were famous for their kitchen-sink dramas (think melodramas about suburban life) and family films, So, the jump to kaiju and horror movies was a pretty stark contrast to what they were originally doing. When they suddenly decided to capitalize on the kaiju boom of the 1960s, you can see how they might have some trouble switching gears.

The monster in this movie, Guilala, is just as odd as he looks in the posters. A chicken-lizard in a puffy shirt that can turn into a flaming ball and fly around. Also, he’s a space fungus. Seriously.

Guilala is, hands down, the most ridiculous kaiju to ever grace the silver screen. Unfortunately for the world, Guilala was never able to fight other kaiju. Instead, he was relegated to fighting tiny tanks, fighter jets, and eating power plants (except of course for the parody film The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit, but we’re just gonna ignore that one…). But…what if he did fight another legit giant monster? Who, if anyone, would be a worthy foe to this UFO-headed frill-covered lump? Why no other than America’s original space-goo, The Blob.

If you haven’t seen The Blob in a while (and the theme song alone is worth re-watching the whole thing) lemme give you a quick refresher: Steve McQueen, a “teenager,” sees a meteor fall to Earth. He goes to check it out, and it has, you guessed it, The Blob inside of it! The Blob quickly grows to a gigantic size and starts consuming/absorbing all in its path. Soon, it’s up to the town’s teens (all of whom are easily in their 30s) to stop the gooey menace. It truly is a cinematic masterpiece. No, really. It is.

Of course, we have no way of knowing for sure who would win that fight—but by bringing Monsterpocalypse to bear, we can get a glimpse into what could have been!

Before you start reading this new scenario, I wanted to give you a little caveat: it isn’t balanced. At all. This is just a fun, narrative, what-if scenario. These monsters are as close as I can get them to their film versions, so there are some things that are just going to be overpowered or underpowered for each monster. That said, this is the fun in a narrative game: it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about settling a bet between me and my pal.

So, make the right one win—I’ve got 50 bucks riding on this.

In order to play this scenario, you’ll need the following models.

Guilala’s Forces:

  • Monster:
    • Guilala (Xaxor)
  • Units:
    • 3 x Bellower Grunts (Mini Guilala Grunts)
    • 1 x Bellower Elite (Mini Guilala Elite)
    • 3 x Voider Grunts (Guilala Spore Grunts)
    • 1 x Voider Elite (Guilala Spore Elite)
  • Buildings:
    • 6 x Apartment Buildings (Teen Centers)
    • Industrial Complex
    • Imperial State Building
    • 2 x Downtown Highrise
    • Cathedral
    • Communications Array

The Guilala player will also need an additional 2 Explodohawks (Guilala’s Fireballs), and an 8-sided die.

The Blob’s Forces:

  • Monster:
    • The Blob (Globbicus)
  • Units:
    • 3 x Toxxo Grunts (Blob Off-Shoot Grunts)
    • 1 x Toxxo Elites (Blob Off-Shoot Elites)
    • 4 x Absorber (Blob Victims)
  • Buildings:
    • 6 x Apartment Buildings (Teen Centers)
    • Reclamation Facility
    • Skyscraper
    • Industrial Complex
    • Cathedral
    • Mount Terra

The Blob Player will also need an additional 4 Toxxo Grunts (Blob Off-Shoot Grunts)

Scenario Special Rules

Replace the names, Factions, and agendas with the below:

Xaxor, Bellowers, Voiders, and Explodohawks are now called Guilala, Mini Guilalas, Guilala Spores, and Guilala’s Fireballs, respectively. They are part of The Guilala Forces Factions and are part of the Andy’s Broken Rules Agenda.

Globbicus, Toxxos, and Absorbers are now called The Blob, Blob Off-Shoots, and Blob Victims, respectively. They are part of The Blob Forces Faction and are part of the Andy’s Broken Rules Agenda.

Apartment Buildings are now Teen Centers.

All rules pertaining to these model’s original names now pertain to their new ones.

Add the following rules to Xaxor’s stat card.

Alpha Side:

ARMORED – This monster is immune to damage from collisions with buildings.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE – When this model makes a rampage power attack, it may continue to move if its attacks miss buildings and if it can move enough spaces to move through the buildings. If Guilala comes into contact with a monster during a rampage, both monsters suffer 1 damage, and Guilala may immediately make a brawl attack.

Hyper Side:

ACTION: GUILALA’S FIREBALLS This model can spend one Action Die to a perform Guilala’s Fireballs action during your Unit or Monster Activation. Take one unit named Guilala’s Fireball from your unit reserves and place it in play adjacent to this model.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE – When this model makes a rampage power attack, it may continue to move if its attacks miss buildings and if it can move enough spaces to move through the buildings. If Guilala comes into contact with a monster during a rampage, both monsters suffer 1 damage, and Guilala may immediately make a brawl attack.

Add the following rules to Bellowers Grunt and Elite cards.

GUILALIUM OVERLOAD – If this model is destroyed while within three spaces of Guilala, Guilala may restore one point of Health to itself.

Add the following rules to the Voider Grunt and Elite cards.

WHEREVER THE WIND BLOWS – At the end of your Unit Activation, roll a d8. From the upper right-hand side, count the spaces clockwise around the tiles of this model. This model advances three spaces in the direction of the rolled space. During this advance, it can move diagonally any number of times. If this causes the Guilala Spore to attempt to enter a space it is unable to enter, it ends its movement.

Add the following rules to the Explodohawk Stat cards.

UNDER GUILALA’S CONTROL – This model cannot advance or attack during the Unit Activation. It can make an advance up to its SPD during the Monster Advancement Phase and make an attack during the Monster Attack Phase.

LIMITED FUEL – A player can only have up to two Guilala’s Fireball units in play at the same time.

Add the following special rules to Globbicus’ stat card.

Alpha Side:

BEWARE OF THE BLOB – When this model suffers one or more damage, place a Blob Off-Shoot Grunts from outside your unit pool adjacent to this model. If the Blob Off-Shoot cannot be placed, it enters your unit pool instead.

IT CREEPS – If this model destroys a building while attacking, you can spend one Action Die. If you do, take one Blob Victim from your unit reserves and place it in play adjacent to the foundation of the destroyed building.

Hyper Side:

A SPLOTCH, A BLOTCH – During your Power Phase, you may return a Blob Victim adjacent to this monster to your unit reserves. If you do, restore one point of Health to this monster.

Add the following rules to the Toxxo Grunt and Elite cards.

IT’S ACIDIC! –  If this model destroys a building while attacking, replace the building with a rubble tile regardless of any other rules.

IT CREEPS – If this model destroys a building while attacking, you can spend one Action Die. If you do, take one Blob Victim from your unit reserves and place it in play adjacent to the foundation of the destroyed building.

Add the following rules to the Absorber cards.

IT CREEPS – If this model destroys a building while attacking, you can spend one Action Die. If you do, take one Blob Victim from your unit reserves and place it in play adjacent to the foundation of the destroyed building.

I CAN’T SHOOT IT, OLD MAN RYAN’S IN THERE! – This model gains +1 DEF against blast attacks.

Add the following rules to the Apartment cards.

WHY WON’T THEY BELIEVE US!? – While this building is secured, when an attack made by an enemy model destroys a building, the controlling player gains only one Power Die regardless of any other rules.

So, there you have it, an amazing battle that could have been. Who would win, space fungus or space goo? That’s for you to find out and tell me!

Again, I could really use that 50 bucks.

Until next time,

Happy Gaming!

Insider, Monsterpocalypse, Web Extra
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